Books

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Hero Wanted ebook, soon no longer a free book

Greetings, Loyal Reader!

On July 18, 2009, I uploaded the Jason Cosmo: HERO WANTED to Smashwords as a free ebook. My initial intention was to offer the ebook as a free download only until the HERO WANTED print edition was released in August 2009. The goal was twofold:

  • A thank you to long-suffering, infinitely patient Loyal Readers who had been waiting for another Jason Cosmo adventure since 1993
  • Make it easy and painless for potential new readers to try Jason Cosmo.

For many and various reasons, I delayed charging for the HERO WANTED ebook. But the time is soon approaching when the free ride will end, as all good things must. Specifically, I’ll be adding a price tag on July 18, 2010, the one-year anniversary of the ebook release.

What does this mean for you, Loyal Reader? It means if you haven’t downloaded the free HERO WANTED ebook, what are you waiting for? You’ve had a whole year and now you’ve got one week left to get it for free!

(As for why I’m suddenly going to start charging for the ebook, the less said the better, but it involves a slight misunderstanding with the Russian mob and an unpleasant chap named Bruno. I really don’t want to talk about it.)

This does not mean I won’t be offering other fiction for free in the future–I definitely will be. In fact, I’ve got several free stories available right now:

And you can sample the first two chapters of the forthcoming Jason Cosmo sequel, NOBLE CAUSE here on JasonCosmo.com.

But if you haven’t yet grabbed the HERO WANTED ebook, do it now!

Best regards,

Dan McGirt

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Jason Cosmo: Noble Cause – Chapter 2 (pt 3)

Greetings, Loyal Reader!

Continuing our preview of Noble Cause with the third section of Chapter 2.  If you missed Chapter 1, start here.  The first part of Chapter 2 is here. All caught up? Great! We rejoin our story, already in progress:

I skidded to a stop just short of the ursine colossus. Glancing back over my shoulder, I saw a bespectacled potato sack of a man with fussy beard and a bad comb-over scurry my way. He wore a dull green robe. Pinned to his scrawny chest was a leaf-shaped badge.

“Don’t hurt the bear!” he repeated.

“Why not?” I demanded. “Is this a friendly magical bear that is not truly violent, just misunderstood?”

“No,” said the new arrival. “It’s a vicious man-eater, responsible for the deaths of hundreds of Carathans, numerous foreigners, several head of cattle, a prize camel, and a shipload of rare birds from the Cycloon jungles. Not to mention thousands in property damage and unpaid bar tabs.”

“The bear drinks and doesn’t pay?”

“Yes. It prefers spiced rum, brandy, or mead. The occasional daiquiri. And of course it doesn’t pay! Nor do the fleeing patrons of any bar it enters.”

“Gotcha. But is it really an unfortunate prince transformed into a dangerous bear by an evil sorcerer?”

“Ludicrous!”

“An escapee from the circus, where it was cruelly mistreated, who now lashes out in blind fury against an uncaring world?”

“Unlikely.”

“Family pet of a rich eccentric?”

“Are you mad?”

“Then why, pray tell, should I stay my hand?”

“Because, you fool, that’s a Long-Snouted Specklebacked Indigo Mountain Bear, one of the last of its kind!”

“And?”

“And that means it’s an endangered species!”

“So?”

“So you can’t kill an endangered species!”

“I can’t?”

“No!”

“Even to save this poor, crippled, crying beggar girl from being torn apart and eaten?”

“Yeah!” said the poor, crippled, crying beggar girl. Cute as a bucket of buttons, she had stringy red hair, big blue eyes and a constellation of freckles across her dirty face. She was also missing her left leg below the knee. “I think it wants to eat me!”

“It matters not! By the Laws of Caratha, the Long-Snouted Specklebacked Indigo Mountain Bear cannot be harmed!”

“What kind of man would sacrifice an innocent, though admittedly disheveled, child to this murderous beast?” I cried.

“I am Chief Inspector Cierrus of the Ministry of Environmental Services and Sanctions. It is forbidden, on pain of death, to engage that bear with a deadly weapon of any kind!”

The bear grinned at me, drooling blood. It cracked its bear knuckles with a loud series of pops. The beast obviously recognized Cierrus. This was not the first time the M.E.S.S. inspector had intervened to save the animal from well-deserved extinction.

“Then how do we stop its rampage?”

Cierrus shrugged. “Once he’s had his fill, Chompy will wander off somewhere to take a nap.”

“Chompy?”

“That’s what we call him.”

“You allow this beast run loose in the city, eating whomever it pleases and give it an affectionate nickname to boot?”

“People should stay out of Chompy’s way if they don’t want to be eaten!” said Cierrus.

“What about those who can’t get away?”

“Yeah, like me!” said the poor, crippled beggar girl. “I’ve got one leg! Rats ate the other when I was but a babe.”

“I’m not concerned with filthy beggar girls,” sniffed Cierrus. “My sole concern is the bear.”

“My sole concern is defending the defenseless,” I said. “I will not let this bear eat poor little——what’s your name, dear?”

“Saka, kind sir,” supplied the beggar girl.

“I’m not going to let Chompy eat little Saka here.”

“You have no choice,” said Cierrus coldly. “Meet the M.E.S.S. Squad!” He snapped his fingers. A squad of green-uniformed crossbowmen rounded a corner and assumed firing positions. Their weapons were aimed not at the bear, but at me.

This could get ugly fast. I decided to try a compromise.

“Listen, Inspector.”

“Chief Inspector.”

“Whatever. Suppose I fight the bear without my sword?”

“You would face Chompy unarmed?” said Cierrus doubtfully.

“On your promise that your men won’t shoot me, I’ll put away my sword and wrestle the bear instead. For the girl.”

Cierrus laughed. “You want to wrestle a Long-Snouted Specklebacked Indigo Mountain Bear?”

“Of course not! I want to kill it with my sword. Do we have a deal?”

Cierrus shrugged. “No law prohibits suicide by bear! Go right ahead!”

I sheathed my blade.

Chompy growled and shrugged his barrel-sized shoulders, as if to say let’s get on with it.

Young Saka tugged at my sleeve. “You’re crazy, sir, but thanks.”

“Thank me later. If I live.”

The bear stepped forward. So did I.

Warily, we circled each another, with Saka between us. Chompy had the advantage in weight, height, speed, and reach.

But maybe not strength. For I had the Blessing of Rae.

Every hero needs a patron deity. Mine, for better or worse, was divine Rae, Goddess of the Sun. As a sign of her luminous favor, the Bright One had granted unto me the strength of eleven men, possibly twelve, whensoever the rays of the sun touched my skin. It being a sunny day, I had at least a slender hope against Chompy.

“Okay, Chompy, let’s dance!” I raised my fists.

Without warning, the bear lunged and hit me with a combination of two left jabs, a strong right and an uppercut. I landed flat on my back, staring up at the morning sky.

Great. Just great.

Someone had taught Chompy how to box!

Here ends Chapter 2! Questions and comments are welcome!

Best regards,
Dan McGirt

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Jason Cosmo: Noble Cause – Chapter 2 (pt 1)

Greetings,  Loyal Reader!

We now continue the preview of Noble Cause with Chapter 2. If you missed Chapter 1, start here. All caught up? Great! Here we go:

Chapter 2

“Run! Run for your life! He’ll kill us all!”

I sighed. It was going to be one of those days.

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Caratha was a proud metropolis of blue rooftops and whitewashed walls spread across the golden hills where the swift-flowing River Crownbolt meets the wine-dark Indigo Sea. Back in my humble village of Lower Hicksnittle, in dismal Darnk, I dreamed of someday visiting this City at the Center of the World. Now I was here, passing daily by the fabulous Alcazara Palace, the Consolidated Temple of The Gods, the Grand Bazaar, and all the other wonders I once knew only from The Impressionable Lad’s Picture Book of Caratha and Its Many Marvels.

I felt strangely at home in Caratha. It no doubt helped that I was, for now, one of the richest men in the city after pocketing the outrageous price the Dark Magic Society put on my head. And that my true love, Sapphrina, was the most beautiful woman in all the Eleven Kingdoms—or at worst tangled in a two-way tie with her twin sister Rubis. Mercury was right: I prospered.

Yet all was not well in the Shining City by the Sea. Along with the Society’s money came the bitter fruit of their lies. Most of the world believed I was Arden’s Archvillain—a thief, a reaver, a slayer, a pillager of towns, despoiler of virgins, stealer of candy, and kicker of puppies. Some called me a Demon Lord in human form, who ate babies for breakfast and drank blood by the bucket. Others swore I could steal souls at a glance. Many whispered I was Death’s own cousin. Or Death’s nephew.

Possibly an in-law.

My bad reputation preceded me everywhere, repelling most decent folk. Otherwise sensible people fainted or fled in panic at the mere mention of my name.

This made it tough to be a hero. But The Gods never said being their Champion would be easy. In fact, I distinctly recalled them saying it would be extremely difficult and most likely fatal. Even so, I took the job, and I meant to do it to the best of my ability. My mission was simple: defend the defenseless, fight for justice, and prevent the Dark Magic Society, Demon Lords, or other infernal powers from turning the Next Age of Arden into a thousand-year reign of darkness and despair.

That last one was tricky.

As I told Merc, I indeed spent my days wandering Caratha’s endless streets, seeking wrongs to right and innocents to protect. I punched out purse snatchers, found lost pets, rescued orphans, picked up litter, and directed the lost. I fought zombies, wererats, and other urban menaces as needed. I felt I was getting the hang of the hero business.

But I was also frustrated. Because my name inspired such terror, I dared not reveal it to those I aided. I usually went by My Name Isn’t Important or some other alias. In the guise of Only A Concerned Bystander, A Friend of Those in Need, or Just a Man Who Hates to See Anyone Burn to Death in a Tragic House Fire, I was highly regarded. But this didn’t improve my standing as Jason Cosmo.

I also wondered if my good deeds were good enough. Trouncing  thugs did little to loosen the grip of Reorganized Crime. I smashed the odd demon cult or undead outbreak, while the Dark Magic Society lurked in the shadows, unseen and out of reach. And while I chased petty thieves, freedom was stolen daily from Caratha’s four hundred thousand slaves. That slavery was now tolerated in a city the Mighty Champion founded as a home for the liberated slaves of the Empire of Fear made my heart heavy with astonishment and grief. The Mighty Champion’s battle cry Freedom For All! was the city motto, stamped on every coin. The irony of using this currency to buy people seemed lost on Carathans.

Such were my thoughts as I strolled down the aromatic Street of Meat Pies, one of the hundreds of twisting cobbled lanes winding their serpentine way through the Grand Bazaar. I was polishing off a savory lamb pastry when a tumult got my attention. A fear-crazed crowd of several dozen men appeared, surging from a narrow side passage at a dead run. Most wore the plain dress of laborers or servants, but there were gentry in the mix. The men ranged from swift-footed youths to stooped graybeards hobbling along with canes. Some fat, some skinny, some lean, some stout. All moved as fast as their legs allowed. They ran close, each careless of his fellows, arms flailing, eyes bulging, chests heaving. One unfortunate stumbled to the ground as he rounded the corner. The pack did not slacken their pace, but trampled him into the paving stones. When they passed, he climbed to his feet and staggered on, bruised and bleeding.

Coming three or four abreast, the men were a flash flood of flesh flushing down the street like a mountain stream swollen by the melting snows of spring, sweeping all before it. The swell of runners crashed into a pushcart piled high with succulent sausage pastries. The cart went spinning, fell, was smashed to bits. The mob left in their wake naught but splinters and greasy smears. Shoppers and vendors ahead of the heedless herd had either to join the flight or suffer the same fate.

Thus my sigh. How many times had my presence triggered such a senseless stampede? But something set this panic-propelled pack apart from its predecessors. I could not quite discern the distinction, though I wracked my brain trying.

Then it hit me.

Literally. The crowd bumped and jostled and flowed around me as I stood my ground. But they weren’t running from me. They were running toward me. This had never happened before.

I grabbed the next man to pass. He was a burly fellow, wearing a laborer’s brown tunic marked with the yellow badge of the Upstanding Brotherhood of Fetchers, Getters, and Lifters. The frightened fetcher flailed as my big hands gripped his shoulders, but I was too strong for him to escape.

“You! Why do you run?”

“It’s huge! Let me go!”

“What is huge? What is it, man?”

His eyes rolled wildly in their sockets. “It tore a man in half! For the love of all The Gods, let me go!”

I released him. Whatever was coming would be here soon enough. All along the street, meat pie sellers slammed the shutters of their shops. I drew my sword.

Soon I stood alone. I studied the terrain with a practiced eye. The roadway was wide enough for a wagon to pass. There was ample room for swordplay if need be. But the pavement was cracked and full of potholes. I’d needs mind my footing.

A tremendous roar startled me from my observations. The beastly challenge echoed down the street, rattling windows and kicking up little whirlwinds of debris. It sounded not unlike a barrel of rabid wolverines with bad coughs rolling down a mountain during a thunderstorm, followed by a pallet of bricks, several kegs of rusty nails, and a large temple bell.

Only louder.

The hair on the nape of my neck went stiff as the bristles of a scrub brush. Whatever it was, it was big, mean, and angry. A dragon? No, I had heard before a dragon’s dreadful roar. This was no dragon, thank The Gods. Gorgoratops? Bullsmasher? A pearly-eyed horngrim? Perhaps it was only the hellacious hobcat, small in size but terrible in its cry. But I doubted I’d be so lucky.

At the second roar, my fight-or-flight reflex was leaning heavily toward flight.

Then I saw her. A one-legged beggar girl staggered from the alley, wide-eyed with terror. She lost her balance, dropped her crutch, and tumbled to the pavement, blubbering and crying.

I started to her. She struggled to stand.

A monstrous shadow passed over her.

The monster itself followed, coming now fully into view.

The little girl screamed like a little girl.

So did I.

On to Chapter 2, part 2!

Best regards,

Dan McGirt

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Jason Cosmo: Noble Cause preview, part 8

Greetings, Loyal Reader!

We continue our preview of Chapter 1 of Noble Cause, already in progress. If you need to catch up, start with part 1 and follow the links.

Haakon hurried on his way, dripping a trail of blood behind him. I regarded my remaining opponents. “Any others having second thoughts, now is your chance to leave!”

Two men bolted immediately, sprinting past poor Haakon. After a moment’s hesitation, another would-be combatant lost his nerve. Several more followed him.

“That thinned the herd a bit,” I said.

“Indeed,” said Merc. “I think that is it for bounty hunters and amateurs. Pros next! Contract killers, assassins, hitmen. Anyone here to kill my good friend Master Cosmo for pay. I’ve got Nestor Breen and the Boys! Blue Crew! Black Sheep! The mysterious Spider Guild! Or it might the miserly Spider Guild? Hard to read that spidery script. And something called Quik Kill!”

I knew Nestor Breen and the Boys by reputation. They were Reorganized Crime muscle, the bane of shopkeepers who fell behind in their protection payments, gamblers who reneged on their debts, and others who ran afoul of Caratha’s criminal element. The Blue Crew was a rival band of enforcers, blue-skinned Cyrillans who wore blue caps and capes to further emphasize their blueness. The Black Sheep were young bravos from otherwise good families—younger sons of aristocrats who stood to inherit little, considered honest work beneath them, but had no qualms about slay for pay.

I did not hide my disgust. I respected those who fought me to prove their prowess. My undeserved reputation as the most fearsome warrior to walk the face of Arden was hard to correct. Our martial age honored strength of arms. It was natural for men of the sword to seek out a challenge.

Nor did I look down on bounty hunters. They did a useful service. Their usual prey were outlaws, brigands, pirates, and other scoundrels. The Dark Magic Society had so smeared my name that most people believed me a blackhearted villain—and thus fair game for the bounty hunting brotherhood. I went easy on those I could not dissuade.

But hired thugs were another matter. They preyed on the weak and helpless. They lurked in the shadows, set traps, attacked from ambush, and enjoyed inflicting pain on their victims. With them, I would not hold back.

Few of Caratha’s top assassins had come after me. For the most part it was second-rate killers-for-hire like this lot who sought me out. I suspected some unknown mastermind was directing a steady stream of low grade thugs my way. I didn’t know why, but I welcomed the opportunity to rid the city of such vermin.

“Breen Boys, Blue Crew, and Black Sheep, I’ll take you all together!” I said.

Concluded in Part 9…

Best regards,
Dan McGirt

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Jason Cosmo: Noble Cause preview, part 4

Greetings, Loyal Reader!

Following preview one, preview two, and preview three, we continue with Chapter 1 of NOBLE CAUSE:

Dark of skin and grim of eye, Malik wore the loose, flowing robes of a desert tribesman. He bore a curved sword in his right hand and a hooked dagger in the left.

“To the death?” I inquired, as I drew my broadsword. “Or will you settle for a good thrashing?”

“I will be satisfied when my blade drinks deeply of your blood and spills your life upon the ground, thus winning me eternal glory,” said Malik, bowing.

I sighed. “To the death then.”

Malik struck so fast I barely saw him move. Too fast for me to react in time. Fortunately, my sword was Overwhelm, the enchanted weapon borne by the Mighty Champion himself. Forged of the mystic metal miraculum, Overwhelm sliced granite like soft cheese. Among its magics was an onblade fighting intelligence which recorded every blow of every battle. Overwhelm dissected a foe’s fighting style on the fly, quickly learning to anticipate and counter his moves. My sword flashed upward to meet Malik’s, dragging my hand along for the ride. Malik’s scimitar shattered like glass.

Unfazed, he slashed at my face with the dagger. I ducked behind my shield, deflecting the thrust and swinging Overwhelm at Malik’s right side. He twirled away beyond my reach, hurling his broken sword as he did so.

I batted the missile away. Malik drew a short thrusting sword from a scabbard on his back and came at me again. His blade bit below my breastbone.

Read on to Part 5!

Best regards,
Dan McGirt

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Jason Cosmo: Noble Cause preview, part 3

Greetings, Loyal Reader!

Following preview one and preview two, we continue with Chapter 1 of NOBLE CAUSE:

“So, then, who wants to kill me today?” I shouted.

A clamor arose from the gathered killers. They volleyed as much vituperation at each other as at me. The only thing uniting this motley crew was a desire to see me dead. There was much pushing and shoving. Mothers were insulted. Parentage was questioned. Vile epithets were hurled. Punches were thrown.

“Pipe down!” I said. “You’ll each get your turn!”

“Turns?” bellowed Kyril the Red. “Now it’s turns?” He stepped off line and raised his ax. “Enough waiting! Jason Cosmo, prepare to——arrgh!”

Two beams of red light flashed across the dueling ground and punched a pair of holes through the big fighter’s chest. Kyril the Red took two tottering steps and toppled to the ground as Kyril the Dead. Smoke rose from his corpse.

The killers froze and fell silent.

“Merc!” I shouted. “What did I tell you?”

Mercury, eyes now hidden behind the mirrored lenses of his sunshades, shrugged. “He cut in line. You told me to manage the list, I’m managing the list.”

“What is this?” accused one of the killers. “A setup?”

“No, no!” I said. “It is all on the level! But you must wait your turn. Otherwise, the whole thing breaks down and you end up fighting each other instead of me. Wait until your name is called. If you fear another will kill me first, just remember: if you can’t be The Man Who Killed Jason Cosmo, you can always become The Man Who Killed the Man Who Killed Jason Cosmo!”

My little joke got a laugh and diffused the tension.

“One more thing before we start. If you are hoping to collect the ten million carat bounty, you’re too late. It was already paid out.”

“What?” cried a masked and mustachioed fellow clad in mauve. He wore a bandolier of throwing knives across his chest and pair of hatchets at his belt. He was the Mauve Marauder, a rising young bounty hunter. “Paid to whom?”

“To me,” I said. “I collected the bounty on myself.”

“My idea,” said Merc.

“Now see here!” said the Mauve Marauder. “That is hardly proper, collecting your own bounty! Bad form!”

“Most unfair!” said a dour gentleman done up in a black hood, skeleton mask and black leather chaps. He idly twirled a lariat. “I’m the Grim Roper! I rode six weeks from Ganopolis to nab you. You’re telling me it was all for naught?”

“Sorry.”

“Jeekers!” His rope went limp. He spat in disgust and stalked off through the park. The Mauve Marauder followed, along with several other disappointed bounty hunters.

To Merc I said, “I hate to waste their time.”

“You are too kind,” said Merc. He marked the list. “That brings us to Malik of the Seven Blades! You’re up!”

Go on to part 4!

Best regards,
Dan McGirt

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Jason Cosmo: Noble Cause preview, part 2

Greetings, Loyal Reader!

Another peek at the current draft of the first chapter of the forthcoming Jason Cosmo: NOBLE CAUSE. Picking up directly after the first preview:

“Getting killed can wreck one’s schedule,” said Merc.

“You have no idea,” I said. “At first it was but an ambush here, a drive-by crossbowing there. But it reached a point I couldn’t walk to the pub without a running street battle. I’ve lost three homes in as many weeks. And forget spending a romantic evening with Sapphrina. Nothing spoils the mood like Nynja assassins coming through the skylight!”

Merc shrugged. “Depends what mood you’re going for.” He leaned close and said in a conspiratorial tone, “I can clear your calendar if you’d like.” He snapped his fingers, giving off a blue spark of mystic energy. “One shot, the way they’re bunched together.”

He wasn’t called Boltblaster for nothing.

“No, Merc!” I said hastily. “I have to fight my own fights or I’ll never live down my reputation as the most feared man in the Eleven Kingdoms!”

“That almost makes sense,” said Merc. “But not quite.”

“It’s the principle,” I said. “This standing engagement every Whooshday morning has really cut down on random attacks and ambushes. I won’t say I’ve scotched them all, but if word gets around you’re blasting my foes wholesale, no one will play along. Then I’m right back where I started.”

“Fair enough. So how can I help?”

“Just call the list. My usual assistant is ill today.”

Merc studied a sheaf of papers attached to the clipboard I handed him. “Appointments? I thought you took all comers.”

“Yes, but I give preference to those who sign up in advance.”

Merc rolled his eyes.

“Well, what would you do, Merc?”

“I’d find those who want to kill me and hunt them down first.”

“I’m the Champion of The Gods, Merc! I can’t do that if I’m to convince the world I’m one of the good guys.”

“Good reputation is overrated,” said Merc. “But as you will.”

Read Part 3!

Best regards,
Dan McGirt

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Jason Cosmo: Noble Cause preview

Greetings, Loyal Reader!

Just to prove I haven’t totally abandoned Jason Cosmo to make a career of flogging Sarah Palin: Vampire Hunter, here is the most current version of the opening lines of NOBLE CAUSE. That said, I’ve revisited Chapter 1 dozens of times, so this could all change before publication, and probably will!

The big warrior twirled a battle ax around his head like it was a fly swatter—and me the fly. His long red hair was done in Malravian war braids, knotted around bits of metal and bone. This was the new fashion among Carathan street brawlers. Equally trendy was his brass-studded red and black designer cuirass from the Militas Pro collection. My own helm and coat of mail were no-brand hand-me-downs, as was my sword, but they served me well enough.

“Jason Cosmo, you die this day or my name is not Kyril the Red!” bellowed the ax-wielding fashion plate. His lovingly oiled biceps glistened in the morning sun.

“And if I refuse to die?” said I. “What then is your name?”

“Er, I think it would still be Kyril, wouldn’t it?”

“You tell me. But get back on line, Kyril, or not Kyril, or whatever you decide. We start at seven, no sooner.”

The other waiting killers laughed. Kyril sputtered. His face went as red as his armor. But he lowered his weapon.

“This is madness,” said Mercury Boltblaster. “I’m called reckless, but to invite your own murder? You’ve lost your mind.”

“I don’t invite my murder,” I said, clapping my friend on the shoulder. “I only try to make it less inconvenient for all concerned.”

“Thoughtful of you,” said the dusky-skinned wizard. “But your courtesy is misdirected. This is a gruesome lot.”

Mercury slid his mirrored sunshades down his nose and cast a gimlet eye over the gallery of rogues gathered at the dueling field near the duck pond in Pantheon Park. Each of them was eager to spill my blood.

The rogues, not the ducks.

“I find a bit of thoughtfulness goes a long way,” I said. “They’re going to try and kill me whether I cooperate or not. This way, they know where and when to find me, I know where and when the attack is coming, we don’t bother other people, and we can all better plan our day.”

With HERO WANTED, I was only touching up an opening scene I wrote 20 years prior. This is all new and I want to start NOBLE CAUSE with a bang. Does this grab you? Does it make you want to read on? (If so, read part 2 now!)

Best regards,
Dan McGirt

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Sarah Palin: Vampire Hunter

Greetings, Loyal Reader!

Time to come clean. My ebook Twinkle was but a ruse, intended to lure you to your doom. Like the glittery vampires that infect so much of current fiction, Twinkle offers the promise of love and romance, lulls you into a false sense of warm security–and then, when  you least suspect it, goes straight for your throat! But Twinkle is no more. It has met its demise and emerged from the grave, reborn as Sarah Palin: Vampire Hunter!

This was a false flag operation from the beginning.  The idea of casting Sarah Palin as a vampire hunter occurred to me on a Story Walk in the woods last fall. ((A Story Walk is when I drink lots of coffee and wander off into the forest. I get many of my best ideas that way.)) At the time, I thought “This will either be the coolest thing I’ve ever written, or a complete disaster. Either way, I’ve got to do it!”

I had what they call the high concept. What I didn’t have was a story. I kicked around various plots in my head, but nothing really grabbed me. I jotted down various bits of back story, but had no front story until a recent blizzard snowed me in for days on end. Cooped inside with nothing but my laptop and too much coffee, I started writing. I don’t care for shiny sparkly vampire high school teenage romance. I grew up on Tomb of Dracula comics, Salem’s Lot, and other old school undead. Vampires should be mean, scary, and terminated with extreme prejudice. Who better to do the job than Sarah Palin: Vampire Hunter?

I wrote like a fiend. As the skies cleared, I had most of a story written and all of it outlined, but wasn’t quite done. The  madness was starting to wear off a bit and I knew my attention might wander. To force myself to the finish line, I announced that the story would debut March 1. But I didn’t want to reveal just yet what I was up to, so I called it Twinkle and released carefully selected previews to create the impression of an innocent tragic teenage vampire romance spoof.

The lead character doesn’t make her entrance for several pages. I imagined unsuspecting early readers chuckling along as Stella and Edmund emote at each other in the woods and then–WHAM! It’s a whole different story. From early reports, the desired effect was achieved. But I also wanted more people to read the story, so I knew that at some point I would do the big reveal and reflag this story with its true title: Sarah Palin: Vampire Hunter.

Somewhat disconcerting to me was the fact that on the same day I launched Twinkle, Seth Grahame-Smith’s new book Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter debuted. I thought I had the presidential (or almost vice-presidential) vampire hunting genre to myself, but no. Clearly, something was in the air. (I haven’t picked up ALVH yet, but from all I’ve seen, it looks like Honest Abe has the right attitude when it comes to vampires. I fully endorse Lincoln’s vampire hunting activities.)

Whenever I have what I think is a really cool story idea, my next thought is always that someone must have done this already. From last fall I Google-searched “sarah palin vampire hunter” every few days just to make sure the coast was clear. I found lots of “sarah palin vampire” hits leading to pictures, pages, and comments by people who really dislike Sarah Palin. But no vampire hunting Palin. Since Twinkle launched on March 2, the phrase “Sarah Palin Vampire Hunter” has turned up twice in online political discourse. I don’t think either of those instances were by Twinkle readers. Rather, I think the Abe Lincoln book has people making the connection between political figures and slaying the undead.

I decided drop the pretense, pull back the curtain, and, I hope, draw more readers to the story. Which would you rather read: Twinkle or Sarah Palin: Vampire Hunter?

Exactly.

Thanks to 600 or so Loyal Readers who gave Twinkle a try and got to be surprised. For the rest of you, the cat is out of the bag — but I think you’ll find many other fun surprises in the pages of Sarah Palin: Vampire Hunter!

Best regards,

Dan McGirt

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Twinkle: excerpt three

Greetings, Loyal Reader!

On March 1, it’s vampires my way, with the debut of Twinkle on Smashwords. Until then, here is a third excerpt. If you haven’t read excerpt 1 and excerpt 2 go read those first. This picks up right after excerpt 2, when Edmund says:

“And is it what you want? What you really, really want?”
“I want to be with you no matter what it takes, Edmund.”
“You’ll have to give up everything that you are, Stella, abandon your identity and forsake any semblance of a normal life. Are you willing to do all that to become…like me?”
“Yes! It is what I want more than anything, Edmund! To be like you. To be with you forever and ever until—’
“Hush.” Edmund pressed his index finger to Stella’s lips.
“What is it, Edmund? What’s wrong? Do you not love me enough? Are you worried about what people will think? Because I don’t—”
Now Edmund clamped his entire hand across Stella’s mouth, silencing her.
“Just hush,” he said. “Please. Not another word. You are so beautiful, Stella. So perfect. I love the way the moonlight shines on your luminous white skin. The way your dark hair catches the shadows. The heat of your body. So, so perfect.”
“Mmfph!” said Stella.
“And the beating of your heart.” Edmund pressed his ear against Stella’s chest. His head rode the rise and fall of her breath. “The perpetual pulsing rhythm, pushing your delicious—I mean, precious¬—blood through every part of your body. Through your fingers, through your toes…through the veins of your throat. I love that sound. But I can’t hear it, even with my exceptional hearing, over the unyielding cacophony of your incessant yammering. So, please, don’t spoil our last moment together, Stella. Just hush.”
He removed his hand. Stella took a breath. She opened her mouth to speak. Edmund regarded her sternly. She hesitated, but could not contain herself.
“Last moment?” she asked, half in hope, half in fear of what he meant.
“The last moment before everything changes for us,” he said.
“Do you really mean this, Edmund? Is it time? Are you finally going to do it to me?”
“Yes, Stella.”
“Oh, Edmund! I’m so happy! You have no idea what this means to me! I can’t wait to finally be—”
Edmund clamped his hand over her mouth again and bent the girl’s head back, exposing the soft white flesh of her throat. The scent of her excitement, the rush of her quickening heartbeat, sent a thrill through his cold form. She shuddered in his grasp.
“This may sting at first,” said Edmund. His incisors protruded. “But it will all be over soon.”
Edmund pulled Stella more tightly against him. He leaned in, brushing her skin with his lips. He opened his mouth. She closed her eyes. Stella’s whole body vibrated with anticipation of what was to come next.

And I think we better cut away for now! Come back March 1 for the rest of the scene, and the rest of Twinkle!

Best regards,

Dan McGirt